Posted 1:57 PM by Andy
I thought I’ll start with some book reviews since they reflect a great deal on the pathways of my mind over the last 6 weeks or so.

Beating the House explores the theory behind beating the only game you can win in the casinos. Having a system that evens the odds intrigued me and this book revealed the tactical ways to make a living playing blackjack. Includes basic counting and betting strategy as well as some interesting anecdotes from a life on the casino circuit. Obviously the establishment frowns upon counters so naturally there are various ways to camouflage your moves and con the house. If I devoted enough time to memorizing the numerous charts I can become a decent player. In my mind, it’s like any other mental challenge like preparing for standardized tests – just make flash cards for every possible scenario and practice relentlessly.

The New Buffettology examines Warren Buffett’s value investing strategy which is especially relevant in a bear market. There are multiple case studies of companies he has bought stakes in with particular emphases on the price and other criteria that he has set up as filters before making a purchase.

The Art of Possibility is a delightful look into the ways innovation is fostered written by a conductor and his psychiatrist wife. It contains great insights into the creative process from the arts and sciences perspectives.

The Gatekeepers is a fascinating behind-the-scenes look at the university admissions process. The book chronicles the events of a Wesleyan admissions director’s life as he scouts out potential recruits, makes presentations to high school students, reads thousands of essays, and decides the fate of numerous aspiring kids with his colleagues. I have always suspected the admissions process is a subjective one with standards of fairness subject to human overrule and political considerations. This book confirms it. Lots of issues related to higher education are raised including race and curriculum planning. There are lots of actual profiles of individuals who endured the ordeal and either enrolled at Wesleyan or some other institution. It’s funny how in contrast, I completed my college applications back in the day routinely with nary a second thought to how my future would unfold based on those choices.

Gifted Adults is a treatise on education reform that suggests recognizing gifted children and teaching them according to their unique strengths. Children who are bright often accelerate through the prepared lesson and then become bored the rest of class. I was intrigued by this because this was an exact description of how I was growing up. I remember mastering the fifth grade math curriculum within weeks of starting the school year and then spending the rest of the year playing games on the Apple II. I did have fun in classes where there was a definite point system because then I could use that to challenge myself in a race to best my peers. Because of a lack of interest in the assigned work, I would get in trouble through stretches in my educational career. In elementary school in Taiwan I read comic books in class when the teacher lectured by crouching over and reading my entertainment piece protruding from the desk drawer and supported by my lap. When the teacher ordered me up front and meted out twenty-five whacks with a ruler against my hand as punishment, I showed my defiance by refusing to cry thinking if I shed a tear, it would signal my defeat to her tyranny. Not much has changed in my attitude towards authority figures.

Lumps Retreat. During the second week of September, I went down to this campground in the Santa Cruz mountains with the fellowship. I picked up the speaker EH and drove down on Friday. He happened to be pastoring a church in Plano, where I spent six weeks in 1998 during training with EDS. The weekend was relaxing, as I didn’t really participate in any of the sports activities during break except for a few football series. I was maimed by EC during the modified version of Red Rover where we had to run across the field with people obstructing our paths ready to tackle us. We examined the book of Ruth, and although the tenderness of Ruth and Boaz’s relationship was touching, the most powerful new revelation from this inquiry is the provision of God in giving Naomi, a self-professed bitter woman, a daughter in Ruth who followed her faithfully to a foreign land. Naomi was a woman who didn’t deserve grace but received it. Such is the reckless and lavish nature of God. I also enjoyed talking to the guys in a small group although I shirked this responsibility for as long as I could by repeatedly ignoring EC’s request. The greatest challenge was talking to JL. Maybe it’s because I have had a relatively good life so far with only a few minor setbacks and manageable adversity, but I’ve been a hopeless idealist, clinging to the notion that the best scenario will always prevail. As a corollary to that optimism, I’m particularly bothered by people who hold a more negative view of the world. Over the course of the weekend I came to understand the reasons for his attitude, but it required a tremendous amount of my energy and patience to engage with him. When he expressed some of his qualms and complaints against some of the fellowship groups he has been exposed to, the rest of the group encouraged him to use those slights as incentives to effect change. Later in the large group campfire on Saturday night, I exhorted another brother to seek God more in his young spiritual journey, then challenged JL to bring about the positive changes in the fellowship he craves. Later I lent him my digital camera for a week. At my imminent departure from San Francisco, I went to retrieve my camera. I was pleasantly surprised when he wished me well in my move and expressed a wish to reconnect. I was stunned by his gracious gesture but happy.

Hanging with AL. For two weeks, this brother opened up his home and his life to me. There couldn’t have been a better ending to my tenure in the City. I used his laptop, watched his movies, studied his LSAT materials, read his magazines, supped with his mother, and hung with his friends. I understand completely how he was selected to serve as one of two new core members for Lumps. His hearty laughter is matched by his generosity, and the strength of personality is anchored by an abiding faith in Christ that manifests itself in his efforts to mobilize organized prayer. Having been tested through the crucible of his father’s death, his character has evolved into one of such substance that I wouldn’t be abashed to call him a “rock” of the Church.

Last weekend in SF. I remember the events that transpired those few days not because they were particularly significant but because of the added poignancy of departure and the uncertainty of a return date. On Friday I talked to DY and AO at their place. DY was buried in schoolwork for this TESOL program. After chatting, I started to say farewell, thanking AO for her encouragement in my life, but she interrupted me and wouldn’t allow me to bid adieu by saying, “This is not goodbye. I’ll see you again.” I wasn’t so sure and wanted to add more gravitas to the moment than she felt was necessary. That night I had dinner with FW at an Italian place in SoMa and saw JC visiting from LA at a ice cream parlor. We dropped by a house party where neither of us knew anybody. I remember sitting off to the side of the crowd on a couch and FW pulled me into the mix so as not to look conspicuous. Saturday morning I prayed with BN and CL. I wanted to leave the City knowing that I had cast all the cares I knew about locally and internationally to God. I stopped by a Grace Community-sponsored picnic for lunch, then saw Four Feathers. I like the swash-buckling genre like Mask of Zorro and Count of Monte Cristo, but overall the movie is mediocre with moments of tenderness depicting the romance between the protagonists. For dinner I visited my sister and brother-in-law. They had a cool set of 3-D pictures from their wedding. Afterwards I visited DW and chatted. We talked about work, the future, ball, and relationships. I posed the question to him, “In what order will the bachelors in my class get married?” We shared a few laughs over his responses. Sunday morning I attended City Church and enjoyed seeing all the people that were important to me over the last couple years and more recently, like OT, JY and FW. I also ran into HS, a childhood church friend, visiting from LA. It was also the first time AL was back in town with his wife H. We had lunch with KY joining us. The conversation consisted of her teaching struggles in the high school in the Mission district where she is overwhelmed with 150 students. Most of the kids are so behind academically it’s tragic. After lunch I jetted to Menlo Park for my last pick-up game in the Bay area for a while. It was the first time I played with these guys after a 6 week hiatus so I received a hearty welcome. MC and I exchanged quick hellos and she gave me a sideways hug. I proceeded to lead my team to victory on a recovering but still weak ankle to leave my basketball legacy intact. I made it to late service at SCBC by 6 p.m. and caught the tale end of Pastor John’s message concluding Song of Songs. I chatted with SK and LN, who both usually attend City Church. LN related a tragic occurrence which precluded her from calling me back two days prior. A group of us went to dinner at Taiwan Point and I ate with EL, AO, and DL. I caught up with DL, another younger brother from Cal and talked to EL briefly about his plans in SF. This was also the time when AO’s quirkiness became really pronounced. I’ve noticed she has a unique sense of humor but it was really apparent that night. I wanted to leave SF with a grand gesture by buying everyone at my table dinner so it was just as well that I sat at a small table. DL and EL fought it but AO allowed me to have my way. I met up with JC for dessert. We go back to the Cal days and I’ve known him to be an incisive guy with keen observations. He posed the difficult question of how to motivate a youngster in his spiritual growth when he is already so far along in his walk. In other words, how do you mentor someone when it seems like he could be your spiritual equal? I ended the night by chatting with AL about the direction of Lumps, our immediate futures surrounding grad school, and assorted juicy tidbits.

Future plans. I have this strange dichotomy in my personality where I can obsess and plan meticulously for certain things but still change plans very rapidly with new circumstances. So far my career hasn’t been completely smooth but I’ve been lucky in always landing a better position at each step along the way. I attribute that to God’s guiding hand because some of my mistakes are so glaring only He can restore the carnage after I’ve inflicted the damage. I sincerely believe that wherever I end up and whatever I am involved with, God has placed me in that specific role in that particular context. Having that knowledge reassures me in times of flux and uncertainty and I don’t begrudge the sifting He is doing in my life. Leaving San Francisco has been difficult and I have tried to hold on through my homeless experiment, but I am learning to be content with moving to LA. The pace of life here is extremely slow, and I also have to deal with knowing virtually nobody here. There are moments of delight though when I see an old friend or make a new connection. I went to the post office last week and the postman behind the counter asked me as I handed him my package, “Are you the Andy Pan that is about 26 or 27?” “Yeah. Do you know my parents?” I replied with a tinge of curiosity. “No, you know my son. We remember you.” It turns out his son is a former schoolmate at South, former basketball teammate, and fellow brother TB. I haven’t seen him in at least nine years but I guess my reputation precedes me in some locales. He is now a chiropractor with his own practice in town.

Odd job openings. With the passage of time and the economy stuck in the doldrums, I have considered some bizarre or unusual jobs. I went to an interview for a currency trading position with a predominantly Chinese management. The interviewer probed my knowledge of the currency markets so I expounded on the international monetary system, highlighting the difference between a fixed and floating currency and the various ways arbitrageurs have used to siphon off profits from inefficient markets. I prodded him on the revenue structure but he was extremely evasive and only expressed that a trader can make upwards of ten thousand dollars a month depending on volume. I never liked working purely sales or brokerage-related functions so I walked out after listening to his pitch for 20 minutes. A more intriguing opportunity arose when EK tipped me off to a position with the Houston Rockets. That night I applied to the NBA to be the interpreter for Yao Ming, the number one draft pick and future franchise of the team. The requirements were Chinese mandarin fluency, knowledge of basketball lingo, and some business experience. I met all three requirements and spent a couple days dreaming about playing horse with Steve Francis and taking his money. After talking to the front office and hearing about the intense competition, I knew my pipedream had run its course. Oh well, the league is not ready for me yet.

Grad school applications. I cranked up the application process and honed my focus upon my return to LA. The first order of business was to dispatch the GRE. Having contemplated taking the LSAT and prepared for it sporadically, the GRE was a cakewalk in comparison. I discovered I had lost the CD-Rom containing sample tests with the study guide I had purchased a few months ago. I called Kaplan for a replacement disk and convinced the rep to issue one as an exception to their policy. I studied with paper tests for a few days, then took two tests a day for 3 days when I received the disk. I scheduled an 8 a.m. test on a Friday. I felt good on the verbal section, and was cruising along on the math section until I was stumped on a question midway through. I knew I could answer the question but it would require some time. As six or seven minutes passed, I decided to give up on the question and move on. It was a good move because I barely had time to finish the section. I think I missed that particular one and the last question. I was ecstatic with my score, a verbal of 740 and a math of 760, which matched my overall SAT score achieved a decade ago. Of course I can count on my Mom to apply the deflationary effect on my ego with her response, “You should have done better on math.” That was the easy part. I had already filled out most of the online application forms so I started the most personal part of this process, writing the statement of purpose. This induced the most soul-searching and torturous process I have experienced in my life. After writing a diffuse and wide-ranging treatise on my broad ideas of international affairs, I was promptly and unequivocally shot down by AL and PL. AL did not hold back and directed the full force of his fury at my statement. PL concurred with AL’s assessment and bade me write more personally. He kept asking, “What’s your story?” A useful exercise he led me through was asking me to give a thirty second elevator pitch to the admissions officer of Princeton who happens to be the chairman of the association of all the elite international affairs schools with the power to make or break my educational plans. Another way to clarify goals is to ask, “What do you want people to think of you? Andy Pan is a …” The first thing that came to mind and I blurted out was, “a diplomat.” That became the crux of my thesis over the next couple drafts. My final draft is the most personal piece of all, with all the lofty notions of statesmanship expunged and the melodrama scaled down to just a dash. I have already sent in an application to Syracuse with a previous draft retaining those grandiose ambitions so I’ll see if the admissions committee is moved by my eloquence. The hard work is done, the rest is the formality of collecting recommendations and signing truth-in-advertising pledges.

Visits to Marshall and Andersen. In my continuing quest to determine whether the MBA is a viable career path, I attended USC and UCLA’s info sessions. Both were similar in content and format touting their academic curriculums, networks, and ties to industry. My friend SL led Marshall’s presentation and I chatted with her afterwards and found out she is happily with child. In the ensuing days, I have come to realize the MBA is not for me. There is still value in attaining the education that comes with the certification but I have seen too many people with their prospects not markedly better with the stamp of approval. I might as well pursue something I have a more passionate interest in.

Lunch with JC. I hung out with this NorCal transplant who is starting her first year in UCLA’s MPH program. We traded our views on recent thoughts and new revelations at Marina Del Rey. She has such strong convictions as evidenced by her response to my question, “How do you be sure of God’s presence daily?” We agreed to go swing-dancing sometime.

Church-hopping. Since I’m in a new environment, I felt justified to indulge in my church-hopping inclinations. The two churches I have been most closely involved with so far are Newsong and Bread of Life. Newsong is a mega-church based in Irvine that is rapidly growing in size and is in the midst of a land-purchase campaign. Concurrent with plans to expand facilities, the leadership staff is also rallying the congregation through a personal transformation initiative. The entire church is cloaked in a Revolution theme. In the sanctuary there are images of Tianenmen Square, Martin Luther King and Mother Theresa adorning the backdrop of the stage. The preaching has been on a series through Exodus which is relevant to my current wilderness experience. Nothing in my life is particularly harsh, but it’s the seeming aimlessness with no reprieve in sight that serves as a parallel. I have also enjoyed Ofivina, an arts showcase that the church sponsors and going miniature-golfing with my small group. I scored 3 above par on the par 3 course. Bread of Life is a more traditional family church that I attended when I was in LA last time 3 years ago. I’ve gone to a few services and one fellowship night. I play ball with the guys on Sunday afternoons so that tradition lives on. Last Friday night we went bowling and I averaged 120 in 3 games. I would start out slowly and finish strong.

Hanging with GW and friends. Through all of these new groups and personal reflections, I have also kept in touch with transplants through GW. He has organized hangouts at Garden Grove, Pasadena, and broomball where our various circles would intersect with Art Center, old Lumps, old Cal, and new LA friends.

Next time: burgeoning interest in politics, meeting Senator McCain, birthday, family dynamics.

Books: Phantoms in the Brain, neuroscience; Law 101; Ambling into History, GW Bush; The Kennedy Men; First in His Class, Clinton; The Last Romantic, Teddy Roosevelt. Memoirs, David Rockefeller; David Blaine autobio; The Punch, Rudy T. vs Kermit Washington and history of NBA; In the Arena, autobio of Caspar Weinberger.

On the Shelf: Forbidden Films, top 125 films and censorship history; Special Providence, US foreign policy primer; Bad Elements, history of Chinese rebels; Conspiracy to Treason, bio of Aaron Burr.

Posted 6:42 PM by Andy
9/27/2002

One quick note for posterity's sake before resuming our regular programming.

Visiting MS and baby. The little girl who yearned for marriage at 25 had gotten her wish fulfilled and motherhood ensured soon thereafter. I stopped by the apartment a few weeks after her daughter's birth to chat. It was incredible seeing this friend, with the Hong Kong movie star looks, radiating as someone who just gave forth life.

Hanging with DW. I try to talk to DW every chance I get because I've seen him grow up in front of my eyes very rapidly. The boy who as a freshman approached me after a few weeks at Cal to ask whether I was mad at him because I haven't talked to him much since opening week, exhibiting a unique sensitivity. The boy whose Beavis and Butthead style laugh belies a rare maturity. The boy has become a man. He proposed a few weeks ago. Besides the usual surprise antics, he also washed V's feet and gave her the embossed towel as a keepsake. Nicely done.

Lunch with BN. This man oozes passion. From the days I first met him and heeding my advice to go on a short-term missions trip, he has grown by leaps and bounds in his devotion to the Lord and ushering in His kingdom. We had lunch on a Thursday earlier this month after I called him only to have him divulge he too is engaged the previous weekend. We swapped some stories, but the thing I will remember about this is saying grace while clasping our right hands in an arm-wrestling posture. He insisted on doing this.

Lumps Culture Zone. This was a cool way to present all our missions and trips abroad experiences to the rest of the fellowship. I discussed a couple times with AO how to make my talk more interactive, but in the end EK and I threw out the script. We talked about what we did in East Asia, significant interactions, and lessons learned. I wished I could have heard the other presentations on Japan, Korea, Central Asia, and Thailand as some of them were really elaborate.

Football with Lumps. I always welcome the change of pace a game of football presents. My arm sucks so I love playing receiver. You can run all sorts of patterns on the fly and if your QB is good enough, he will hit you. I think I had a 90% reception rate that day. I only dropped two passes and on one of those occasions I was mugged by the defensive back. My favorite play of the day was when JW lofted one to me over GL, who was the cornerback covering me. He was with me step by step and so instinctively I used one hand to bump him off to create slight separation. A split second later the ball arrived and I cradled it in and headed to the endzone. It was the most lopsided game of football I've played in a while, with the final being something like 8 to 1.

Lunch with JW. This was the first time I've seen her in a year. After nearly missing each other at various times in both NorCal and SoCal, we finally met up. We ate seafood at the end of the Santa Monica pier. She still has that coquettish demeanor in the way she says hello. I suppose that reflects the fragile and child-like parts of her which can be overlooked due to her steely resolve and strong convictions. We talked about life in the slow lane, being in uncharted territory. Her plans to China were postponed by a few months so she has the fall here. She showed me her pictures from her most recent trip in the car. She embodies the wounded healer. Visiting SL at Marshall. I showed up at SL's new offices at USC's School of Business one Friday afternoon. She gave me an informal pitch and showed me around the building. There definitely was a vibe there but I need to sit in on some classes to decide whether to apply. It was cool seeing her in her new element, enjoying her status as one of the most beloved people around the b-school campus.

Dinner with JY and RY. JY cooked lasagne for us and over the course of four hours, the three of talked. RY and JY shared stories from their professional lives as a pediatric resident and ligitation attorney. They related tales from dating and how guys would be intimidated by their accomplishments so they would always downplay everything like, "I came back from school on the east coast" or "I work in an office." I asked about M, RY's best friend in med school and also a mutual friend of my childhood friend AH. I have yet to meet M. At one point in the conversation, I was amazed by how JY was encouraging RY, casting light on a situation. I couldn't believe I was hanging out with these people.

GW and JC's pad party. The housewarming party celebrated the guys' move from SF to LA with a good mix of food and people. Besides the few SF people that came down, I got reacquainted with DT, who is back from Duke. I met L, her friend at UCLA Harbor Med. I talked to S, a friend of JW at FEC-Glendale. I also chatted with T, an Art-Center student and part of the FEC crew too.

Dinner with AL. This was a really fun time. I sense that our friendship transpired because it was meant to be because I never gave it much effort. Over the years I have known her through her boy troubles, have walked in on family crises, taken a road trip up the Northwest coast, cheered the Lakers, watched the play Of Mice and Men, hung out with her in Irvine, and exchanged pleasantries during the holidays. It was the most free-flowing conversation I have had in a long time. We updated each other on what's up, then exchanged views on different books we were reading. Interlaced with the serious thoughts were our views on romance and travel adventures. I found out she also sews and likes to make skirts and purses for fun. What kind of girl is this to possess such versatility? She has just reviewed my personal statement and proclaimed it perfect. That's flattering, but I'll have to dig into it more with her later.

Next time: Books: Beating the House, The New Buffettology, The Art of Possibility, The Gatekeepers, Gifted Adults. Lumps retreat, hanging with AL, rapidly changing future plans, moving to LA, will the next job be currency trading or working for the Houston Rockets?

For earlier entries, go to www.gennext.blogspot.com